7 Things that Happen When You Bring a Young Toddler to the Grocery Store
(as told via Supermarket Sweep gifs)
1.) Things start out well. Everyone’s been fed. Fresh diapers. Nap has been had. Good moods all around. You’re feeling confident.
This is going to be a good shop, you say. Not like last time. A GOOD SHOP.
2.) You’re cruising the aisles, chatting with your toddler. You guys are laughing. The best of buds. Why were you ever nervous? This is FUN!
3.) Your toddler spies a large, shiny glass jar of hot peppers.
“Hold?” she asks innocently.
“Oh, that’s too big, honey,” you say sweetly. “But you can hold this loaf of bread for me, please.”
“Hold? Hold? HOLD? No. That one. THAT ONE!”
You try various distractions.
You sing Raffi.
You point out other babies in the grocery store.
You produce a toy from your bag. It is rejected instantly.
You hand over your car keys, a usually-coveted item. Not today.
Your heart rate starts to increase. You know where this is going.
You begin to pick up speed.
4.) Your toddler is now eating the loaf of bread, having torn through the packaging in what can only be described as superhuman rage. She’s forgotten about the jar of peppers but now has her eyes set on a 20 pound frozen turkey. Her volume is increasing steadily and you’re starting to get sympathetic looks from your fellow shoppers.
You completely forgo your grocery list and begin throwing items into your cart, willy-nilly.
A gigantic, club-sized package of generic Oreos? Throw ’em in.
Three boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Sure.
The kale and red lentils you need for that soup you want to make tomorrow? SORRY THERE’S NO TIME.
5.) If you’re shopping with your partner, this is the time you guys split up because you gotta wrap things up FAST.
As he dashes down Aisle 12, you holler after him, “THE MILK! DON’T FORGET THE MILK!”
But it’s too late. He already has.
He returns with a jar of mustard, the wrong kind of cat food, and another box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Your toddler is now alternating between gnawing on the shopping cart handle and throwing items out of the cart.
6.) Your toddler is pissed about the turkey. PISSED.
And that carton of eggs you also refused to let her hold? It’s the last straw. She wants out of that cart, and NOW.
“OUT. OUT. OUT. BYE BYE. BYE BYE. OUT.”
You move faster than you ever knew you were capable of.
7.) The cashier idly chats with you as your toddler is in full meltdown mode and you frantically bag your own items, throwing in bleach with the 20 pound frozen turkey you ended up buying. You nod many times, your face contorting into weird grimaces and you ask too loudly, “SO CAN I PUT MY CARD IN NOW?”
You give your toddler the jar of mustard and your phone to play with on the ride home. She is instantly in a great mood. You are drenched in sweat and that inner thigh hole in your pants finally ripped through. Must have been when you took that spill in Aisle 2.
Once home, you pour yourself an enormous bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and eat it dry because there is no milk.
You realize you also forgot the toilet paper, coffee, and any ingredients that could be made into a dinner that doesn’t feature mustard.
You crunch your hard, dry cereal and fantasize about the day when your husband stays home with the toddler and you have a long, luxurious trip to the grocery store all by yourself.
And, oh, how peaceful it will be…one sweet day.
Hey there, my sweaty, exhausted, frazzled parents!
First off, how are y’all doing? Does this sound familiar to you? Have you resorted to ordering your groceries online, or do you brave the store? (I salute you, my fellow soldiers.)
And what’s the one thing you miss doing alone the most? (Peeing is a close second after the grocery store, obviously.)
Very funny…brings back memories of grocery shopping with my one-year-old AND my four-year-old at the same time (never do this unless you are sufficiently medicated). I recall abandoning aisles at lightning speed upon the crash-splat sound of the Prego Spaghetti Sauce Jar–how did Devin always get a hold of that jar? Of course, goody two shoes Sammi always had to tell everyone, “My mommy did that.” She would not pass the Trump Loyalty Test.
Grandma Haggard! So wonderful to see you here! Although the thought of shopping with a one year old AND a four year old makes my blood pressure spike–you are a super hero. So far we haven’t had any crash-splats with glass jars (yet) but a few yogurt containers have been splatted and many a weird grocery store toy has been purchased due to the packaging being ripped off. The toy is then brought home, and never looked at again.
Can’t wait until the day when Lucy can announce proudly, “That’s my Mommy crying by the peanut butter.”
First of all, why isn’t Supermarket Sweeps still on? That is classic TV gold!
I felt taken along on this journey with you simply by reading your post, and though I may not be able to relate as such, I will say that I have a fresh perspective on the people I see at the grocery store shoveling frozen turkeys into their cart like their lives depended on it, or running around at a fevered pace, grunting and sweating through the aisles. These people are no longer to be feared/avoided by me every time I shop, but rather I shall have compassion for them, realizing thanks to you that they are simply parents of small children and not victims of some sort of psychopathology. I suppose I can stop grocery shopping in the middle of the night now! Thank, Ma H! Oh, and if it’s any consolation, I don’t have nearly your excuse for buying so many damn boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I just have a problem.
I am thrilled to be the one to break the news to you, Michelle–SUPERMARKET SWEEP IS COMING BACK! When doing research for this post (yes, I do research. I read the Wikipedia article on Supermarket Sweep) I discovered that a revival is in the works! What do you say–shall we enter to be contestants?
Do not fear the frantic parents of toddlers. Fear the man I sat across from today on the subway who pulled a huge RAT out of his shirt and proceeded to let it run all over his body. As I stared in horror, he picked up the rat and kissed it multiple times on the mouth. I wanted desperately to move but was afraid he would throw the rat at me. The worst that I’ll do to you at the grocery store is apologize for my child, who has opened the whipped cream container and is spraying whipped cream into her mouth. And yeah, maybe I’ll throw a rat or two as well, but not unless it’s been a bad day.
This is so funny and unfortunately why my 3 year old will have a mouth full of cavities because candy is the answer to everything in his eyes lol
Ugh, I know what you mean, Kristin. Today we bought my toddler a bouquet of flowers at the grocery store to make her happy (she’s going through a real flower phase right now). Definitely going to go broke if this continues…
Thanks for commenting!
This is absolutely hysterical. Thanks for the laugh. I loved Supermarket Sweep, so the GIFs were especially poignant! Great post!
Thanks so much, Heather! So glad you liked it, and I am always happy to find another Supermarket Sweep fan. What do you say–shall we spring for the matching Supermarket Sweep tattoos?? Too much? Probably too much. I always do too much. *coughs and hides Murphy Brown collarbone tattoo*
So funny! I miss Supermarket Sweep. The first time I went grocery shopping alone after the baby was born, I unwittingly went to the express lane and started unloading my entire full cart of groceries. I was so oblivious until halfway through the clerk was like, “ummmm, ma’am, this is the express lane.” All the angry people behind me suddenly made sense. My takeaway – grocery shopping is just a disaster now any way you cut it.
That kind of act would get you killed around my neck of the woods! Okay, probably not killed, but all of the snooty, old people would definitely glare at you and make passive aggressive comments. I certainly get my fair share of looks when I’m racing down the aisles like a crazy person, trying to make it out alive before nap time. Now I understand why parents are so passionate about grocery delivery.