A List of People I Have Been Jealous of While in a Sleep-Deprived Stupor:
- My dog, who sleeps roughly 22 hours a day
- My husband, who falls into a deep and unwakeable sleep seconds after his head meets the pillow, whereas I’m bolting upright in a panic saying, “WHAT. WHAT. I’M UP. I’M UP” if the dog exhales deeply two rooms over
- Fictional characters on TV shows who are sleeping or COULD be sleeping if they wanted to (omg STOP ARGUING, Ross and Rachel, there’s a bed like ten feet away from you and you could be sleeping in minutes WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?)
- Retired people
- My 17 year old self, who drank smoothies and didn’t leave the couch for a week after wisdom teeth surgery (It was actually a pretty bad week but I find myself remembering it fondly at 3am and thinking, Yeah, I could have a few teeth out again; that’d be all right)
- People who work in hotels because I spend an excessive amount of time daydreaming about hotel beds
If anyone is out there right now feeling insanely jealous of your dog’s sleeping habits, I feel you. I really do. And I’m here to tell you that it gets better I really miss sleep.
And it probably gets better at some point. That’s what they tell me, at least.
(“…But who is ‘they,'” I whisper out loud into the darkness at 4:42AM as the dog yawns and I attempt unsuccessfully to soothe baby without nursing. “And how do they know? HOW DO THEY KNOW?”)
My night warriors: how tired are you right now? Are you “jealous-of-the-prison-beds-in Orange-is-the-New-Black” level tired? (The thought has definitely crossed my mind.) Or just plain ol’ “putting-cereal-box-in-the-fridge-and-milk-in-the-cupboard-and-also-weeping-when-the-sun-rises” level tired?
Hang in there, everyone. We got this. *grins and nods vigorously while clutching coffee mug with both hands until it shatters*
My dear, sleepy sleepy Hags,
I am suddenly ashamed of how sleepy I get simply trying to sustain my own life. I apologize for any time I may have yawned in your general direction! Your post made me realize that Charlie Bucket’s grandparents probably stayed in bed for 20 years to make up for having had babies! May you one day get to be Hags Van Winkle and even dream that you’re sleeping whilst sleeping. xox
Oh kind, merciful Michelle! Never apologize for the amount of times you have yawned around me (six). I don’t care about these types of things! I would never be so petty as to be jealous of your sleeping habits…I’m jealous of your soaker tub and personal washer and dryer.
I wrote my feelings about being jealous of the dog back in the newborn days (/daze). Things are totally better now *she writes at 10:30AM while drinking fourth cup of coffee due to toddler starting the day at 4:07AM.* So much better. *she swats at imaginary bugs flying around the room, then eats a Lego* What are we talking about again?