Welcome to OOTD with Mother Haggard!

This week’s OOTD is for that rarest of rare occasions: a trip to the grocery store BY YOURSELF.

No teething toddler, no stroller, no diaper bag, no partner gently reminding you that you already have a cake at home so maybe you don’t need to buy another cake, and no concerned looks from customers because you just sang every single verse of the Wheels on the Bus full bore without even realizing it.

Just a long, luxurious, sexy stroll through those beautiful, peaceful grocery store aisles.

This is a special day, folks, and our OOTD is going to reflect that.

Today’s Look: Grocery Getaway

Nothing says celebration like a Sweet Valley High graphic tee, especially when it’s in one of spring’s trendiest colors: canary yellow.

I’ve always believed that fashion should have a bit of mystique to it. I like when my outfit leaves people gazing after me and musing over things like, “Oh, I wonder if she’s more of a Jessica or an Elizabeth?” or “Do you think she knows there’s a huge hole in the crotch of those sweatpants?” 

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Should your Sweet Valley High shirt be dirty (understandable), it’s fine to substitute with a Baby-Sitters Club tee. However, it is NOT okay to substitute with a Baby-Sitters Little Sister shirt. If you ever find yourself sporting a shirt with Karen Brewer on it, you need to re-evaluate things, and fast.)

With an occasion of this magnitude, it’s time to bust out your fancy pants.

Dark denim instantly add a cosmopolitan feel to any outfit.

A hidden side zipper creates a smooth, seamless appearance, even when you’re wearing a pair of maternity underwear that are so big, they should pretty much just be called bloomers.

And with just the right amount of stretch, these fancy pants allow you to effortlessly strut down the aisles while greeting your fellow shoppers to share your exuberant mood.

“Hey! How ya doin’? Beautiful weather, huh?!”

“Hello, friends! What a day to be alive, am I right?”

“Going with the black beans, I see. You’ve done it again—GREAT CHOICE!”

“This is just the best, isn’t it? MAN, I love you guys!”

“No toddlers, RIGHT?!”

“Where’d you get that sample?”

A classy black cardigan gives this OOTD a feeling of effortless elegance, especially as you leisurely stroll the candy aisle, reading the labels of every single product to extend your alone time.

Hmm…46 grams of sugar, eh? That’s probably not good…Oh, but there’s 2 grams of protein—excellent!

Okay, yes; we have our fancy pants on, and our classy cardigan and our celebratory Sweet Valley High, which is all great.

But we also need to remember one of the most important rules of fashion: your outfit should be comfortable enough that you could easily sleep in it, should the opportunity arise.

(Did you know that they sell pillows in grocery stores?! Me neither! And did you also know that they don’t like it when you take a 45 minute standing nap on them because it “scares the other customers”? And that you’re not supposed to start eating the ice cream in your cart until you’ve purchased it? Ugh, so many rules.)

You may find it a strange feeling to be wearing actual pants when you have worn nothing but maternity leggings and big, red sweatpants for the past 18 months.

This is to be expected.

Prevent injury by performing a few light stretches prior to twirling down the aisles and singing “I’m So Excited.”

Finish the look with a pair of practical work boots, both because they are the only pair of shoes that you own, and also because they will allow you to hike to the nearest spot of grass with ease so you can sit and enjoy the celebration cake that you purchased.

Savor it with joy, friends, knowing that your OOTD is on point and that your toddler is currently not asking you to play with the blender.

What’s your go-to look for those special solo outings?

Are you rocking the Sweet Valley High tees these days, or is the Baby-Sitters Club more your speed? How gigantic are your undies? And when eating a cake by yourself in a park, do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?

I’d love to hear from you!