satire Archives - Mother Haggard

How to Make a Winter Capsule Wardrobe for the Stay-at-Home Mom

in Mom Life OOTD Wise Mother Haggard on February 11, 2019 February 11, 2019

Imagine this scenario:

It’s winter.

You and your small kids haven’t left the house in DAYS.

Your toddler keeps asking you to retell the story about the time you guys took a train to the toy store (which, by the way, has never happened), and your other child is eating Play-Doh.

It’s 4:30PM and you forgot to put dinner in the slow cooker, and so far today you’ve only consumed coffee and string cheese (okay, okay, and half a bag of Goldfish, WHATEVER).

You have approximately 600 loads of laundry to do, and your brain feels like it is actually buzzing with the amount of items on your to-do list. (One of these items is to give the dog a flea bath, so that buzzing may in fact be fleas. Not sure.)

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THIS, my friends, is why you need a stay-at-home mom winter capsule wardrobe.

Because you’ve got enough on your plate without worrying about throwing together an outfit at 5:17AM when your toddler wakes you up asking for whipped cream.

Not sure what a capsule wardrobe is? No problem.

Capsule Wardrobe

That cute linen shirt that you bought three years ago and haven’t worn once because it’s Dry Clean Only?

Nope. Not in your capsule wardrobe.

Your trusty, really, really soft bathrobe that you like to wear around the house for the first eight hours of the day?

Yup. You bet your bippy that’s going in your capsule wardrobe.

Having a realistic stay-at-home mom winter capsule wardrobe will make getting dressed each morning a BREEZE.

Even if you haven’t slept in three years.

Build Your Realistic Stay-at-Home Mom Capsule Wardrobe

5 Ways to Keep Your Traffic (and Your Cool!) During Pinterest Updates

in Blogging Satire on October 30, 2018 October 30, 2018

They’re the words every blogger hates to hear: PINTEREST IS DOING AN UPDATE.

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What are the telltale signs of a Pinterest update, you ask?

-A sudden huge drop in your site’s traffic

-Your usual pinning tactics no longer working

-General mania and mayhem in all of your social media blogging groups

-And a 300% increase in the amount of times you scream at the Pinterest section of your Google Analytics, “WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!” while your partner slowly backs out of the room in fear.

While seemingly minor, a Pinterest update and change in algorithm can actually be a pretty big deal.

You see, many bloggers (myself included) receive the majority of their traffic from Pinterest.

So when the Pinterest algorithm changes and traffic takes a nosedive, it’s cause for concern. It’s like everything is slightly askew. Mercury is in retrograde. The world is off-kilter. Nothing feels right.

You know that weird sound you hear at night when Pinterest is in the middle of an update?

It’s not raccoons.

It’s the sound of mom bloggers around the world, creeping out of their homes and howling at the moon, begging forgiveness for whatever they’ve done to anger Mother Pinterest.

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(I’m not speaking from personal experience, mind you. I mean, I’m out there howling at the moon nightly, yes, but for entirely different reasons.)

It’s time we learned some coping strategies for Pinterest updates.

After many, many hours of research and a close examination of Pinterest trends, I’ve forecasted five potential Pinterest updates that could likely happen in the future, and strategies we can use to save both our traffic AND our sanity.

At Peace with Pinterest — *You, too, can be at peace with Pinterest.*

(NOTE: These haven’t OFFICIALLY been implemented yet, but I think it’s a wise blogging strategy to anticipate trends and plan ahead.)

Here are five ways to keep your traffic (and your cool!) during potential Pinterest updates.

How I Grew My Mom Blog's Traffic from 0 to 20 Views in 5 Months, And How You Can, Too!

How I Grew My Mom Blog’s Traffic From 0 to 20 Views in Five Months and How You Can, Too!

in Blogging Satire Wise Mother Haggard on July 4, 2018 October 30, 2018

So, you want to start a mom blog, eh?

Or maybe just a good, old fashioned lifestyle blog.

That’s great! Once upon a time, I was just like you.

Sexy George Washington

And now, a mere six months after starting this blog, I am a changed woman.

I’m blogging full time. (Well, does 2-3 hours a day count? Maybe more if my toddler decides to nap?)

I’m making a ton of money from my blog. (Wait. No. Sorry. That should say I am SPENDING a ton of money on all of the junk food that I eat while working on my blog at night.)

I have a loyal fan base that will follow me to the ends of the earth. (Okay, YES, I may be related to all of them, but is that really relevant? Cool it, Columbo.)

Sounds amazing, right?

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Yes. It does.

And now I’m finally ready to reveal all of my blogging secrets to help YOU start your own blog!

I’m going to walk you through, step by step, exactly what I did to to grow my traffic into the tens of people over a very long period of time.

Are you ready for a lot of work and absolutely no monetary gain?!

LET’S DO THIS!