Satire Archives - Mother Haggard

The Ultimate Guide to Surviving Winter with Your Toddler

in Mom Life Satire Wise Mother Haggard on January 22, 2019 January 22, 2019

The IDEA of winter with a toddler is a glorious one.

Your days will be full of wondrous activities, such as:

-romping outside in the fresh snow every day

-building snowmen

-drinking hot chocolate

-reading books by the fire

-and cuddling under blankets together.

Ah, sweet winter bliss.

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The reality of winter with a toddler?

-spending 1.5 hours attempting to put on a single pair of gloves

-repeating the phrase, “Yes, you need a jacket; it’s minus fifteen outside!” until the words no longer hold meaning

-waking up at 6AM to your toddler asking, “Playground now?” Every. Single. Day.

-texting your partner to pick up pizza and a treat on the way home because your child is “in a mood” again

-and basically spending most of your time trapped in your home and relating FAR too much to Emma Donoghue’s novel, Room.

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Surviving winter with a toddler is tough. But it can be done!

I’ll show you exactly how you can not only survive winter stuck indoors with your rambunctious toddler, but how you can THRIVE while doing so!

Here is the ultimate guide you NEED for surviving winter with your toddler!

5 Ways to Keep Your Traffic (and Your Cool!) During Pinterest Updates

in Blogging Satire on October 30, 2018 October 30, 2018

They’re the words every blogger hates to hear: PINTEREST IS DOING AN UPDATE.

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What are the telltale signs of a Pinterest update, you ask?

-A sudden huge drop in your site’s traffic

-Your usual pinning tactics no longer working

-General mania and mayhem in all of your social media blogging groups

-And a 300% increase in the amount of times you scream at the Pinterest section of your Google Analytics, “WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!” while your partner slowly backs out of the room in fear.

While seemingly minor, a Pinterest update and change in algorithm can actually be a pretty big deal.

You see, many bloggers (myself included) receive the majority of their traffic from Pinterest.

So when the Pinterest algorithm changes and traffic takes a nosedive, it’s cause for concern. It’s like everything is slightly askew. Mercury is in retrograde. The world is off-kilter. Nothing feels right.

You know that weird sound you hear at night when Pinterest is in the middle of an update?

It’s not raccoons.

It’s the sound of mom bloggers around the world, creeping out of their homes and howling at the moon, begging forgiveness for whatever they’ve done to anger Mother Pinterest.

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(I’m not speaking from personal experience, mind you. I mean, I’m out there howling at the moon nightly, yes, but for entirely different reasons.)

It’s time we learned some coping strategies for Pinterest updates.

After many, many hours of research and a close examination of Pinterest trends, I’ve forecasted five potential Pinterest updates that could likely happen in the future, and strategies we can use to save both our traffic AND our sanity.

At Peace with Pinterest — *You, too, can be at peace with Pinterest.*

(NOTE: These haven’t OFFICIALLY been implemented yet, but I think it’s a wise blogging strategy to anticipate trends and plan ahead.)

Here are five ways to keep your traffic (and your cool!) during potential Pinterest updates.

How I Grew My Mom Blog's Traffic from 0 to 20 Views in 5 Months, And How You Can, Too!

How I Grew My Mom Blog’s Traffic From 0 to 20 Views in Five Months and How You Can, Too!

in Blogging Satire Wise Mother Haggard on July 4, 2018 October 30, 2018

So, you want to start a mom blog, eh?

Or maybe just a good, old fashioned lifestyle blog.

That’s great! Once upon a time, I was just like you.

Sexy George Washington

And now, a mere six months after starting this blog, I am a changed woman.

I’m blogging full time. (Well, does 2-3 hours a day count? Maybe more if my toddler decides to nap?)

I’m making a ton of money from my blog. (Wait. No. Sorry. That should say I am SPENDING a ton of money on all of the junk food that I eat while working on my blog at night.)

I have a loyal fan base that will follow me to the ends of the earth. (Okay, YES, I may be related to all of them, but is that really relevant? Cool it, Columbo.)

Sounds amazing, right?

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Yes. It does.

And now I’m finally ready to reveal all of my blogging secrets to help YOU start your own blog!

I’m going to walk you through, step by step, exactly what I did to to grow my traffic into the tens of people over a very long period of time.

Are you ready for a lot of work and absolutely no monetary gain?!

LET’S DO THIS!