If there is one thing that is constantly on your mind during that first year of parenthood, it’s SLEEP.

When will the baby sleep? When will YOU sleep? Sleep when the baby sleeps. Sleeping through the night. Nap sleep. Night sleep. Sleep sacks. Sleepers. Sleep associations. Sleep sheep. Sleepwalking. Sleeping bags. Sleepovers. Birthday parties. Pizza parties! Pizza pockets. Cake. Oh, I love a bit of cake.

What are we talking about again? I’m so tired and hungry.

Oh yes.

Sleep.

It’s a doozy of a subject, right?

It’s the topic that I receive the most amount of emails about (except for all of the questions about Merle Haggard. This blog is still not about Merle Haggard. Unless you think I should make it about Merle Haggard? We’ll see how the next few months go), so I figured it was high time that I shared my tried and tested method for naps, which works almost every time.

It is simple.

It can be used multiple times a day.

It requires barely any props.

And it’s a calorie burner, too! (7 calories per nap.)

The one caveat is that you MUST follow every step. I cannot stress this enough. Luckily, there are only 37 steps (but each one more important than the last).

Follow my handy method and soon you’ll be laughing.

I laugh a lot. Sometimes it’s more of a howl than a laugh and sometimes it starts out as a laugh and ends up as a sob but there is definitely laughing involved. And napping!

Please note: this particular method is best suited for older babies (let’s say around 9 months or so) using a sleeping space where you can be next to them (basically, a bed of sorts). I do have a method for crib sleeping, but it requires 64 steps, several props and you must know Don McLean’s American Pie in its entirety. Contact me for more details if interested.

Mother Haggard’s Guide to Perfect Naps—Every Time!

1.) When nap time is approaching, pay close attention to your baby to pick up on his or her sleep cues. Look for rubbing of the eyes, yawning, a general disinterest in toys and playing, etc.

2.) At the first sign of sleepiness, begin your nap routine. I like to let my daughter know that it’s nap time by gently saying, “It’s nap time now, sweet baby,” to which she usually replies by pointing to the dog and saying “bay bay.”

3.) Check baby’s diaper. Change if needed.

4.) Make sure that baby is wearing a comfortable outfit for napping. If baby sleeps in a sleep sack, Zipadee-Zip, Baby Merlin Magic Sleepsuit or other designated sleeping outfit, use it for naps as well to keep the sleep association going strong.

5.) Put on white noise machine. We have an owl that plays ocean waves. It also plays heartbeats but I find those too terrifying to relax to.

6.) Place baby in bed/sleeping space.

7.) Draw the curtains to allow for a nice, darkened space.

8.) Select several books to read to baby in a quiet, calm voice. Lucy and I are currently enjoying Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

9.) After you have finished reading, you will likely notice that your baby’s eyes are drooping. This is a good sign. This is when I usually nurse my daughter while lying down next to her.

(Note: if you would prefer to feed baby earlier in the routine to avoid a feeding and sleeping association, that’s fine. A good time would be after step 4. During step 9, I would suggest reciting a calming poem or mantra instead.)

10.) Gently burp baby to avoid stomach discomfort later in the nap.

11.) Place soother (I like the MAM brand) into baby’s mouth when done, if baby likes soothers.

12.) Close your eyes and pretend to be sleeping. Avoid making eye contact with baby as much as possible. Try to avoid actually falling asleep.

13.) When you do open your eyes after falling asleep for a few minutes, you will notice that your baby is now rolling herself up into a seated position and spitting the soother out while saying “Mama Mama Mama Mama.”

This is normal.

14.) Gently lay baby back down into a reclined position on the bed.

15.) Begin to whisper a soothing sound, like “shhhh” or a low hum.

16.) Baby will now roll over again and begin to rub her head into yours. Grind it into yours, actually. Very hard. It will not feel good.

This will continue for several minutes.

17.) Gently lay baby back down into a reclined position on the bed while saying “shhhh” and rubbing her back.

18.) Ensure that the sleeping suit/outfit is not bunched up due to the activity. Adjust if needed.

Ponder briefly what an adult-sized Zipadee-Zip suit would be like. It might be nice. Like a big sack with sleeves and odd patterns. Ultimately, you decide that you would prefer an adult-sized Baby Merlin Magic Sleepsuit. Make a mental note to look into this.

19.) Baby is now standing upright on bed.

This is fine. Good, even.

Allow baby to crawl and flop around on bed for a few minutes to work off some excess energy.

20.) While baby is flopping (under your supervision, of course), use this time to think about the bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats that you will have for lunch, despite the fact that it is 4PM.

21.) After a few minutes of crawling, scoop your baby into your arms and begin a slow, gentle rocking motion. Now is an excellent time to begin a lullaby.

It is advisable to sing Paul Simon’s Slip Slidin’ Away in its entirety. Ponder to yourself how sad the lyrics are. They’re so freakin’ sad! Avoid becoming verklempt.

Slip slidin’ away
Slip slidin’ away
You know the nearer your destination
the more you’re slip slidin’ away

22.) When your baby has calmed and is resting peacefully in your arms, place her softly down onto the bed. Reinsert soother if need be.

23.) You hear a scrabbling sound nearby and notice that your elderly cat has somehow snuck into the room and one of her claws is ensnared in the small blue plush baby chair that is shaped like an elephant. Use this time to free your cat’s claw.

24.) By now, the baby will have rolled over into a seated position again.

Pick her up and rock again. Sing If This is It by Huey Lewis and the News. 

25.) While rocking, peer into the baby monitor camera. Wonder briefly if it’s true that people hack into these things. Make a mental note to look into this.

Also, there appears to be a strange stain on the ceiling. Is that…rust? Ketchup? BLOOD? Look into this as well.

26.) Rack your brain to try and remember if you have enough milk for a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats. Say a quick prayer (preferably silent but out loud is okay, too) that you do. Try to remember the lyrics to that one commercial for Mini-Wheats.

Miniiiiii-Wheats, wheats, wheats, I’ve wanted vanilla for so long
Mini-Wheats, wheats, wheats, it’s high in fiber; you can’t go wrong

27.) Realize suddenly that you have been belting the Mini-Wheats song full bore and quickly switch back to Huey. While on the last verse, lay baby back down onto the bed. Continue singing, very quietly, until her eyes have closed.

28.) Notice that a wasp appears to have gotten into the room somehow.

Grab your hardcover copy of Roseanne Barr’s autobiography, Roseanne: My Life as a Woman, the one you found on the side of the road and picked up to use as a gag gift one day, and use it to smash the wasp against the wall, firmly and without mercy, before it stings your baby.

(Note: if you happen to live in an apartment where wasps do not inexplicably enter your home even though all of your windows are closed, you may skip this step. But you should still keep the hardcover copy of Roseanne: My Life as a Woman nearby just as a good general practice. It’s great for smashing large insects/balancing your uneven kitchen table.)

29.) The loud slaughter of the wasp has now woken your baby. This is to be expected.

Lie down next to her and gently press your forehead to hers. Do deep, calming breaths. Close your eyes and pretend to be sleeping once again.

30.) Your baby will now roll over into a seated position. You are likely growing weak with hunger at this point, as it has been over an hour since you began nap time and you have also needed to urinate for close to three hours.

Persevere.

31.) Nurse baby again. Both sides, until baby has almost drifted off into sleep.

(Note: if you wish to skip this step, I recommend replacing it with another calm recitation. My go-tos are the motivational speech from Rudy or the beginning of The Odyssey by Homer. If going with Homer, be sure to end BEFORE Zeus’s address to the immortals! My mom friends and I agree that babies lose interest around this point.)

“You’re 5 foot nothin’, 100 and nothin’, and you have barely a speck of athletic ability.”

“Tell me, Muse, the story of that resourceful man who was driven to wander far and wide after he had sacked the holy citadel of Troy.”

32.) Reinsert soother.

The dog will now decide it is an ideal occasion to drink from her water bowl for an extended period of time. It will be very loud and last for what seems to be at least twelve minutes. Hold your entire body tense during this period while staring at your baby with widened eyes, hoping against all hope that she does not stir.

You will remain confident that you have taken the proper steps to set up a solid napping foundation where she can easily sleep through this disturbance, while also being filled with terror at the same time.

Dog will cap off the water drinking with a subsequent shaking of head/body.

33.) Baby now appears to be sleeping.

Remain lying next to her, with your body held extremely still. Clench stomach muscles so they do not growl. Ignore throbbing bladder. Wait for several minutes to ensure it is a deep sleep.

(I will usually wait until I have counted to ten very slowly, without any motion from the baby. If she moves, I will start over. Just with the counting to ten. Not back at step one! DO NOT GO BACK TO STEP ONE.)

34.) Once you are convinced that baby is sleeping, VERY CAREFULLY extricate your body from the bed and creep out of the room on tiptoes. Do not sneeze, cough, allow your joints to crack, step on creaking floorboard or knock over any toys on your way out of the room.

35.) Urinate for several minutes.

36.) Once in kitchen, discover that you do not have enough milk for bowl of cereal. You also have no clean spoons. Weep openly.

37.) Now sit back, kick your feet up and turn on the baby monitor camera to watch your baby nap while enjoying a bowl of dry Mini-Wheats eaten by hand. Relax for the next 20 minutes until your baby wakes up. Way to go! You’ve earned this!

And that’s all there is to it, folks!

I hope my method can be helpful to you. If you have any questions or need clarification on any of the steps, just let me know (it doesn’t HAVE to be Frosted Mini-Wheats, for example. It could be Cinnamon Toast Crunch. That’s fine.). You may also need to continuously tweak and adjust, depending on your baby’s age. The older your baby, the more Huey Lewis you will need to sing.

And now I want to hear from YOU about nap time!

Walk me through your nap routine!

Do you have your own tried and tested nap time method for achieving that perfect 20 minute nap? What hardcover book do you normally use to kill wasps that have entered your nursery? What’s your go-to lullaby?

Let’s share our secrets and help each other!