The 5 Phases of Growing to Loathe Your Child’s New Toy
1.) EXCITEMENT
Your child has a new toy—nice!
Perhaps you bought it for him/her in a moment of whimsy/extreme sleep deprivation (Ohhh, this looks kinda neat! And it’s on sale! What day is it again?). Or maybe it was a gift from a loving grandparent or aunt who lives far, far away.
But more likely than not, it came from a well-meaning friend who does not have children and knows not the psychological ramifications that can happen when you give a toddler a talking Elmo/slide whistle/light-up drum set/large singing clock that exclaims, “IT’S THE SUN, IT’S THE SUN, IT’S THE BEAUTIFUL SUN” at random moments throughout the day, completely unprovoked.
And maybe you don’t know the ramifications yet, either.
But you will. And soon.
2.) INTRIGUE
Wow, look at this thing, you marvel, gazing upon the new toy.
So many colors.
So many flashing lights.
It can make an animal sound for every animal that has ever existed in the history of time.
It counts to 500.
It can sing a a medley of 20 different nursery rhymes in English AND French AND Spanish—and all at the same time!
Wow. No wonder it requires 16 batteries.
3.) WARINESS
You start to notice little things at first. Your eyes begin to twitch whenever the toy is turned on and launches into its opening 15 minute overture. You find yourself singing its melodies at odd times, like in the grocery store checkout line or during a meeting with the bank to see if they will approve you for a loan to buy a house (they won’t).
Why is there no volume control on this thing? you wonder, massaging your temples in slow, forceful circles. Why would they do that?
But your child loves the damn thing, so you push those feelings down, deep down, right by the memory of the time you ate so much at that all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet that you almost threw up in the restaurant’s bathroom and then lied to the concerned woman washing her hands by telling her you had the flu, even though you didn’t.
Yeah. Right by there.
WHERE IS THE VOLUME CONTROL? you scream, even though it’s 2:34AM and you thought you were sleeping. Turns out you’re standing on your bed, waving your arms wildly and dripping with sweat.
The cow says moo, you mutter, as you lie back down. The cow says moo.
It’s at that moment when you know that things need to change.
4.) PURE HATRED
THIS TOY HAS GOT TO GO, you declare dramatically to everyone, flinging your arms wide open and spilling coffee on your favorite pair of grey sweatpants. You sadly don’t receive much of a reaction since “everyone” consists of your baby and your dog because you’re a stay-at home-mom and this is your crew.
But you declare it nonetheless. And during your child’s nap time, you take that godforsaken toy and you cram it deep into the closet in the room that is basically a poorly-organized storage locker, and also where you keep the cat litter.
See you NEVER, you whisper gleefully, as you shove the closet door shut. It is barely visible behind the bassinet, old bouncer, swing, baby bath tub, eight bins of outgrown baby clothes and the exercise bike that is currently covered in cobwebs.
5.) GUILT
Your maniacal glee doesn’t last long. Upon waking up from the nap, your toddler instantly demands to see her favorite toy.
You try distractions. Other toys. Applesauce. The always-coveted tube of diaper cream. Your phone.
She finally accepts the brick of cheese, but begrudgingly so. You settle into your day, eagerly looking forward to the peace that only comes when you know you won’t be hearing, “THE PEACOCK SAYS SKREEEEEEEEEE!” any time soon.
But then a strange thing happens.
You find yourself missing counting from 1-500 at random moments throughout the day. You’re still humming the nursery rhyme medley and you’re even bobbing your head at the “Hey Diddle Diddle” part. And yeah, your daughter is playing with the brick of cheese, but you can tell her heart’s not in it. And you also kind of feel like a monster.
After bed time, you creep back into the storage locker room and retrieve the toy. You might be mistaken, but you’re pretty sure it has a smug look on its face.
You may have won this round, you whisper through clenched teeth. But I’m about to finish eating a warm, dirty brick of cheese that my daughter played with today. SO I WIN THE WAR.
THE END
Sounds familiar, right?
You guys know what I’m talking about, right? RIGHT?
Tell me about the toys that you’ve loathed, banished or destroyed. The ones which made you question your sanity. The toy that eventually led to the dissolution of your marriage, the loss of your home and a really bad haircut.
(Okay, hopefully not those but I do think Let’s Imagine Elmo is causing me to make poor life choices.)
via GIPHY
