My favorite part of each day is reading to my daughter at nap time and bedtime (and also maybe when she actually falls asleep and I can finally eat some food).

We lie down together and read four or five board books before she gently drifts off to sleep. Or this is how it’s supposed to go, anyway. *laughs hysterically for ten minutes, slowly fading into a soft whimper* 

I will confess, however, that sometimes when we’re reading through Mr. Brown Can Moo! Can You? (well, yeah, Mr. Brown; it’s really not that hard. It’s the lightning sound I can’t do.) for the umpteenth time that my mind starts to wander and my eyes begin searching our bookshelves. I start fantasizing about all of the books I can’t wait to share with my daughter when she’s older.

Books like:

Charlotte’s Web

The Witches

Everything Judy Blume.

The Giver

The Cat Ate My Gymsuit

Wayside School is Falling Down

 A Wrinkle in Time

And of course, the classic of all classics, Jessi and the Dance School Phantom.

I may not be leaving an inheritance, land, properties, assets or practical knowledge of any sort to my daughter, but she WILL be receiving my collection of beloved, tattered young adult novels. I’m talking Sweet Valley High. Anastasia Krupnik. The Gymnasts. The American Girl series. You want Beverly Clearly? I got her. Danziger? Duh. But the crowning glory of this collection is a mostly intact run of books 1-70 of The Baby-Sitters Club, including Super Specials, Mysteries and a few of those weird Portrait books. It will all be yours one day, dear child.

This brings up the obvious question:

Which Member of The Baby-Sitters Club Would You Hire?

Let’s go through the options.

KRISTY THOMAS

BSC Founding member and President. Tomboy. Likes dogs.

Pros: Very active (hello, she has her own softball team! Kristy’s Krushers FTW). You can bet there would be zero screen time and your kid would be out in the yard (or alley, if you live in the city and have no yard, like me) doing jumping jacks.

Cons: Your child ends up covered with weird bite marks, likely from doing jumping jacks in the alley where the garbage bins are stored.

Also, Kristy’s a bit of a bossy big mouth. As the world’s least confrontational person (Hey! Nice to meet you! Hope you like me! But if not, that’s cool! I’ll still be your friend!), I could see a few different scenarios where Kristy makes me cry. Most likely is this: I return home five minutes late and receive a stern reprimand from Kristy. I apologize profusely while my face flushes beet red and end up paying her double. I spend the rest of the evening binge eating brownies while filled with self-loathing at being intimidated by a 13 year old.

What’s in the Kid-Kit: Softball gear (obviously). Jump rope. Whistle. Talcum powder. Bologna sandwich.

MARY ANNE SPIER

Club Secretary. Shy. Quiet. Good handwriting. Organized. Basically a 70 year old woman.

Pros: You return home to a calm scene–most likely Mary Anne and your child curled up on the couch, drinking warm milk and watching the black and white Miracle on 34th Street even though it’s not Christmas time. Your child can now tell you the differences between a crock-pot and a slow cooker (small but important, insists Mary Anne!).

Cons: Very sensitive. Almost cries when your toddler refuses the grilled cheese Mary Anne just prepared for her. Actually cries when your toddler throws it on the floor. Still puffy-eyed when you come home.

What’s in the Kid-Kit: Knitting needles. An afghan in case it gets chilly. Pippi Longstocking series. Cat stickers. Wet wipes and a monogrammed handkerchief. Sensible shoes. Sunscreen.

CLAUDIA KISHI

Club Vice President. Creative. Kooky. Unfortunate Speller. Almond-shaped eyes.

Pros: Artistic as hell. In the three hours that you are gone, Claudia creates an etching of your family portrait (you’ve been meaning to get your toddler into etching, right?), a collage made up of crumpled flyers she found in your recycling bin and that thing where you put a bunch of different colored sand in a jar. Fun!

Cons: After attempting to raid your closet to play dress up and being seriously unimpressed with your wardrobe of faded black maternity leggings, flannel shirts, grey sweatshirts and ZERO fedoras, Claudia is forced to venture into the dirty laundry and your husband’s clothes to give your kid a style makeover. You return home to your child dressed in three different pairs of pants, your husband’s dress shirt and shoes made of tin foil and feathers. She also appears to be wearing dangling earrings (is that…a tiny diaper and…a Diaper Genie?? And wait…did I say you could pierce my baby’s ears? Ah well.). And even though you enthusiastically exclaim, “oh, that’s fun!” Claudia can tell you just don’t get it.

Your secret stash of Peanut Butter M&M’s has also mysteriously disappeared.

What’s in the Kid-Kit: Play-Doh. Watercolor kit. Tie-dye. Smock. Top hat. Neon yellow pants. Emergency bag of gummy worms.

STACEY MCGiLL

Club Treasurer. New York Native. Stylish. Math Whiz. Diabetes.

Pros: Mature for her age. Has a nice perm. Would likely be calm in an emergency unless there’s a cute lifeguard around.

Cons: You have to stand awkwardly in the kitchen for 30 minutes after you return, nodding politely and pretending to be impressed while she recounts all of the times she has been in a cab by herself (sheesh…you ask ONE question about living in New York City…).

She also corrects you when you mistakenly pay the wrong amount and then not-so-subtly mentions that if you ever need a math tutor, she’s available on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4:30-5:00 p.m. and accepts adult clients. You feel outrage, then mild indignation, then quiet acceptance. You begin your private tutoring sessions next week, which is an expense you really can’t handle at the moment.

What’s in the Kid-Kit: Fashion magazines. Velour scrunchies. Glitter nail polish. Monopoly.  Slinky. Insulin.

DAWN SCHAFER

Alternate Officer. Super crunchy. California Casual.

Pros: Dawn would likely be a popular babysitter here in Toronto–she’s liberal , laid-back and all about that green lifestyle. Your child would learn what things like “carob,” “hemp” and “greenhouse effect” are.

Cons: You return home to a wailing toddler and a sulky Dawn, upset because her attempt at brewing Kombucha in your kitchen didn’t pan out as planned. Also, she inspected your compost bin and threw out any meat you had in the fridge. Your pets were released into the wild because Dawn doesn’t approve of animals kept in captivity (dammit Dawn, didn’t Kristy talk to you about this?!). You may also have caught the slightest whiff of marijuana but you’re not quite sure.

What’s in the Kid Kit: White denim jeans. Lots of seeds. Hairbrush. Homemade doll made of straw. Magic 8-Ball. A single seashell.

MALLORY PIKE

Junior Officer. Book Nerd. Horse Lover. Red Head. Least beloved Baby-Sitters Club member. Poor man’s Anastasia Krupnik. 

Pros: Okay, so even though no one really likes Mallory, I kind of do. She loves to read and write and wants to be a children’s book writer and illustrator when she grows up, which is awesome. She’s the eldest of roughly a million siblings (including triplet brothers, gah), so she’s gotta be comfortable with kids, right?

Cons: Yeah, all that I just said? About the reading and the writing and the tons of experience with kids? None of it matters because she’s ELEVEN YEARS OLD. Nope. Can’t do it. I’d be nervous to babysit a friend’s kids and I’m way older than eleven.

I also have a suspicion that you’d later find Mallory hiding under your bed. Upon discovery, she begs you to let her live with you so she doesn’t have to go back to that “******g madhouse.”

She appears to be wearing your bathrobe.

What’s in the Kid-Kit: It’s looking pretty sparse because her many siblings have stolen all of the good toys and she has no money to buy things because she’s eleven. The only remaining items are a back up pair of glasses, broken yo-yo and a manuscript of her young adult adventure novel, Henrietta, The Horse with Red Hair (your child was not a fan).

JESSI RAMSEY

Junior Officer. Ballerina. Horse Lover and best friends with Mallory.

Pros: Graceful and smart. Can learn American Sign Language and how to synchronize swim within a single book.

Cons: Things get weird when I ask Jessi if I can try on her pointe shoes. She politely declines. The next day I receive an email from her mean Aunt Cecelia informing me that Jessi will no longer be sitting for me anymore.

What’s in the Kid-Kit: Old Tutu. Leg warmers. VHS tape about horses. Ribbon Dancer.  A book of knock-knock jokes.

So, gang, there are our options. It’s decision time. Who will you entrust with your child for three hours while you run errands/go see a movie/visit the dentist for the first time in six years/fall asleep on a park bench?

Wait, wait, wait, you say in a panic. WHAT ABOUT LOGAN? AND SHANNON?

I know, and I hear you, but it’s going to have to be a pass.

Yes, I’m aware that Logan has that sweet Southern accent and that Shannon has a Bernese Mountain Dog named Astrid of Grenville (okay, well, that’s actually pretty good) but I’ve got to draw the line somewhere, and I ain’t trusting my kid to no Associate Member. Commit to the club or get out, you know?

Also no Abby because I quit reading the series before she was introduced, so she’s just like a weird, distant cousin you’ve never met but have heard about. Capiche?

Okay, okay, you say through clenched teeth. Fine. SO WHO IS IT GOING TO BE?

After much deliberation (seriously, I spent way too much time thinking about which fictional character I would hire to babysit my child instead of trying to figure out how to get myself out of ever-present, crippling debt–LOL!), I’m gonna go with: KRISTY.

Yes, she’s a bossy, big mouth and will likely make me cry, but she’s a woman of action and she’s not afraid to speak her mind and get stuff done. She’s strong, loyal and wears a baseball hat with a dog on it.

And you can’t go wrong with the President and founding member of the Baby-Sitters Club, can you? Don’t screw the pooch, Kristy.

Your turn! Which member of the Baby-Sitters Club are you hiring? And don’t say Abby. Don’t do it.

And hey! I also want to hear about what books you can’t wait to introduce to your child. The Hunger Games? Harry Potter? (I keep hearing about this Harry Potter fellow; is he any good?) Anne of Green Gables? The Boxcar Children? Amelia Bedelia?  From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler? I want to know THEM ALL!