For those of you busy changing a diaper, prying a cell phone out of your baby’s hands or chasing a toddler around, this version might be more your speed:

TL; DR: Had a baby, went a little crazy, started a blog. Welcome!

And for those of you on naptime/after hours (holla!):

Hey there new moms, dads, expectant parents, experienced parents, and confused Google users who were searching for Merle Haggard!

Welcome to Mother Haggard.

I’m so glad you’re here.

So why are we all gathered here today? you ask. Is this one of them mommy blogs? And where can I find information on Merle Haggard?!

Excellent questions. Or decent ones, at least. Can’t help you with the Merle, though.

(Well fine message me I guess if you really need info on Merle Haggard and I will see if I can help.)

AHEM.

We’re here today to talk about babies. And toddlers. And motherhood, fatherhood, parenthood. Maybe dogs, sometimes. I like dogs. And books! Board books. And brownies.

But mostly the wild, wonderful, weird and beyond wearying journey that is becoming a parent.

Things are about to get REAL.

The first year of motherhood left me completely floored in so many different ways (I won’t even go into the crazy ride that was pregnancy…holy cow). I became a stay-at-home mom (a SAHM, as they say on this here thing called the internet) to my daughter, Lucy, and had zero prior experience with babies.

I had endless questions for every stage of the game.

Here were some of my questions:

• when does the gross belly button tag thing fall off and why do they put such a giant tag on it
• why didn’t my epidural work (this was the most fun question of them all)
• what does a nipple shield do and also what is a Bumbo
• can I just put normal bags in the Diaper Genie or what
• is newborn the hardest baby stage
• how many granola bars is too many granola bars to eat in a day
• how do people with more than one child do this
• is “drowsy but awake” a real thing and how can I do it
• is it a sleep regression if the sleep is always bad
• is 4 months the hardest baby phase
• how do people with twins do this
• but seriously, why didn’t the epidural work
• how can I lose the pregnancy weight without dieting, exercising or leaving the house
• what to do when you’re terrified of finger foods
• how do you cut a baby’s toenails if they never stop moving
• will baby sleep through the night by 12 months like everyone says
• why does everyone lie

Still don’t know what a nipple shield is, btw. And seriously, someone please help me with those toenails.

Shortly before giving birth, I had envisioned my life as a mother and what it would look like.

I had some ideas (based primarily on the many baby books I read while pregnant, and also perhaps the movie Three Men and a Baby and the episodes of The Office when Pam gave birth).

(image via Buzzfeed)

Looks easy enough.

Here’s how it would go down:

The first few months would be tough, sure, but we’d find our groove by month three.

I’d have lost all of my baby weight by this point, like the French ladies do in Bringing up Bébé.

We’d cloth diaper, of course, despite the fact that our elevator-free apartment building’s lone washer and dryer are located down four flights of stairs in the basement. No biggie. I’d make it work.

The baby would sleep in her bassinet at first, and then I would gently transition her into her crib over the period of a week.

While she napped, I would exercise, journal her milestones in her baby book, prepare healthy and delicious meals and use all of the spare time I had being at home by taking up a new hobby—like knitting baby clothes! Or learning a new language.  Or finally writing that novel I’d been talking about for years. (Had to put the brakes on it again when I realized the plot was pretty much identical to Three Men and a Baby. WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!)

There would be little to no screen time. I would join various Mommy groups to make new friends and we’d have weekly playdates. I’d teach the baby sign language.

By the time the baby was one I would be a pro.

I’d be slimmer than my pre-pregnancy weight, thanks to the daily mom & baby yoga.

I’d have a routine that included plenty of mental stimulation for baby but also quiet time for reflection and knitting (I’d had taught the baby how to knit by this point, too).

Yeah, but what about your personal sense of style? you ask. Would you be dressed like a MOM?

No! My sense of style would remain suddenly inexplicably be Elegant. Timeless. Classic.

The baby would be dressed in cute, cool clothes with no stains, and maybe little baby sneakers.

We’d travel to educational sites all over the city, just looking so great and clean and timeless, and I’d never once stress about us being stuck on a subway train while a crazy person paces the aisles and shouts about the sons of bitches and whores.

Yes. Well, that was the plan.

http:/

via GIPHY

None of that happened.

I’m talking no bassinet, no crib, no cloth diapers, no knitting, no novel writing and definitely, definitely no exercise. No Mommy groups. No sign language. No public transit due to my newfound extreme anxiety at oh, EVERYTHING.

No baby clothes without stains. No adult clothes without stains. (Turns out it’s hard to be Elegant. Timeless. Classic when you don’t do laundry and when most of your pre-pregnancy wardrobe consisted of ill-fitting jeans from Old Navy and sweatshirts with dogs on them.)

(Although, really, I think it could be argued that dog sweatshirts have a sort of timelessness about them depending on the breed…you know what, I’ll save that for another post.)

I thought I’d have it all together by one year out. Instead?

I’m Mother freakin’ Haggard.

A few things I did accomplish in a year:

• watched the following series on Netflix during the newborn phase: Orange is the New Black, The Office, Nashville, The Mindy Project, Making a Murderer, Ozark and a whopping 12 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy (will likely become a surgeon when I return to the work force)
• memorized 42 different board books
• drank a hell of a lot of coffee
• spent a good chunk of time spent thinking about Raffi and if he has a certain sexiness to him or not (No, right? But maybe? But probably not.)
• did a lot of research on slow cooker meals that require two ingredients or less (Not very many, I’m afraid)
• wrote a board book about three pigs who discover a baby piglet outside of their barn and have to learn how to raise the piglet on their own OH GOD DAMMIT IT’S HAPPENED AGAIN
• discovered an unknown tolerance in myself to tolerate staggering amounts of mess in the house
• Made it through a year with a healthy and thriving baby and learned I could feel joy on a daily basis
• but may have lost my mind a little bit

To be honest, I can’t foresee becoming any saner during the next year of motherhood. (Unless there’s more sleep involved…is there more sleep? Please more sleep?)

So what do you say we all ignore that laundry/those dishes/that seriously unwashed hair of yours and have some fun? Let’s pull on those old maternity leggings and the huge undies that you’re still wearing from your pregnancy (Dads, you too, why not) and keep off the madness as we navigate this wild ride of parenthood together.

You know how they say it takes a village?

Well, I say let’s be a village of hags.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

 

(via Giphy)

(…By now, I’m assuming you have already built up the slow clap and have begun your chanting of MO-THER HAGG-ARD, MO-THER HAGG-ARD, MO-THER HAGG-ARD. No? Just me? Just me clapping and chanting alone in my kitchen like always? Sigh. It’s fine.)

Let’s get our hag on!

(my apologies again if you were looking for Merle Haggard this was probably very confusing for you.)