So. You have a cute baby and you have a cute dog.

Congrats! Ain’t life grand?

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No! you wail, gnawing at the head of a stale chocolate Easter bunny. I have a cute baby and a cute dog, but my pictures of them are so terrible that no one can tell! Will this torture ever end?!

I feel you. It’s tough. I myself have been through COUNTLESS horrible photoshoots, trying to capture a single picture of my toddler and dog together. And not even a good picture. Just a picture of them in the same vicinity.

These photoshoots used to end in total frustration for everyone involved and with me Photoshopping other people’s babies and dogs and passing them off as my own.

That’s so weird, you say. Is that even legal?

Haha! Who can say, really? Ain’t life grand!

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But friends, the point is: I’ve learned from these photoshoots (and from the letters from the lawyers, SHEESH), and I am now ready to tell you how to capture that beautiful, striking photo of your adorable baby and dog.

Here are my top 5 tips for taking the perfect photo of your baby and dog.

1.) SET THE SCENE. 

This means carefully selecting the location of the photo, the lighting (natural is always best, but that can be tricky, especially in winter), the depth of field, etc. Look at your potential photo with a critical eye and ask yourself a few questions before you even pick up that camera.

A few sample questions you might ask:

• Would you like the photo to include a high chair covered with congealed oatmeal and scrambled eggs in the background?
• Should you try to time the photo so that rays of sunlight are accentuating the amount of dog hair embedded into your futon that is not intended to be folded into a couch but is forced to do so anyway?
• Do you want to have 40 broken crayons, an empty Kleenex box, a bucket in the shape of Elmo’s head and a spilled sippy cup of milk in sharp focus in the background or would you prefer a more shallow depth of field?

All good things to think about.

So, when I was framing this picture, I asked myself: does the inclusion of yellow, rarely-used hand weights, the overturned crib currently being used to store bags of outgrown baby clothes, an empty diaper box and a desk chair add anything to this photo?

And the answer was yes.

2.) DRESS BABY AND DOG IN MATCHING SWEATERS.

If you really want to catapult your baby and dog portraits into the next level, there needs to be matching outfits. It’s just how it goes. I had an Anne Geddes book in 1996, so I know these types of things.

Ideally, these would be matching knitted sweaters.

Now, in case you can’t knit, or you’re in the process of learning how to knit, or you had grand plans to learn how to knit when you were pregnant but instead spent nine months throwing up and eating french fries, it’s okay! Just get your mother-in-law to knit some for you.

She loves when I request that she spend a month knitting a sweater for the dog.

3.) CREATE A CALM AND COMFORTING ENVIRONMENT. 

You’ll want to take your photos in a place where your baby and dog are both relaxed. This may mean playing your child’s favorite song in the background (“Don’t Worry, Be Happy”). This may mean playing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” sixteen times in a row. This may mean having “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” stuck in your head for the remainder of your days.

Allow your subjects to interact with each other freely and be on the lookout for candid photos.

Some will be good.

Most will be bad.

4.) TAKE A BREAK.

When things just aren’t flowing and your toddler is extremely upset because you tried to give her some yogurt when she asked for yogurt but it turns out she actually just wanted to HOLD the yogurt and not eat it, and your dog is miffed because your photoshoot is interrupting her mid-afternoon second nap, it’s okay to take a break and regroup.

This break may end up lasting for four hours due to your dog immediately resuming her nap. That’s okay, too. You need this time to figure out what your child’s current request for applesauce really means (hint: it’s your iPhone).

5.) SIMULTANEOUSLY WAVE YOUR iPHONE AND A RAW HOT DOG ABOVE YOUR HEAD WHILE SINGING “DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY” VERY LOUDLY IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE. 

I have found this tip to be the most effective of all.

And that’s all there is to it!

I hope these tips will help you during your next baby and dog photoshoot. When in doubt, just go with the matching sweaters and the raw hot dog and you should be just fine.

What tricks do you guys use when capturing that perfect shot of your baby?

What song or phrase do you repeat in a frantic, high-pitched voice while waving your hand above your head to make your child look at you?

And did you have an Anne Geddes book back in the 90s as well? (You totally did.)

Let’s talk!