The time has come to plan your baby’s FIRST birthday party.

Can you even believe it?

Weren’t you JUST in labor? Didn’t you bring your little wrinkled bundle of joy home like three days ago? Wasn’t it just yesterday you were trying unsuccessfully to transfer your babe from a bassinet into the beautiful white crib you purchased but was ultimately never used except for storage of dirty laundry?

Man. Time flies, eh?

And now: it’s time to plan your baby’s first birthday party.

And you need something special for this occasion. Something REALLY special.

Disney? Nah.

Jungle? Meh.

Under the Sea?  It’s been done.

You want something UNIQUE.

No problem. I read you loud and clear.

Here are five unique party themes that are PERFECT for your baby’s first birthday party.

 

1.) RECREATION OF YOUR FIRST WEEK HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL

Come on. What better way to remember that crazy first week with the baby than to recreate it at your party?!

For this, I’d recommend having the party be a sleepover.

Your guests will arrive, and you will greet them at the door in dirty sweatpants, a half-snapped nursing tank, and with a crazed look in your eyes, as if you had no idea that they were coming.

“Oh…it’s Saturday already? What month is it again? Okay, well, come on in.” 

Gesture them inside and then immediately sink back into the couch.

You’ll have a kick-ass party soundtrack of white noise/ocean waves blaring in the background, and all lights will be half-dimmed, just enough for your guests to feel disoriented.

Hand your child off to the nearest guest, saying, “Do you mind holding her just for a sec?” and then leave the room for two hours, during which time you will unload the top rack of the dishwasher, take a two minute shower, and then fall asleep while sitting up in your bed.

When you wake up, wander back into the party as if nothing has happened.

via GIPHY

DECORATIONS

You’ll need to stage your house to accurately resemble how it looked during that first week home.

This can be broken down into a few easy steps:

-Pile kitchen sink with dirty dishes and take-out containers.

-Strew dirty clothing across the house in a haphazard fashion.

-Have several full bags of garbage sitting in your front hallway.

-Create a stack of all of your baby/parenting books in the living room, to be opened up and referred to throughout the party whenever the baby coughs, sneezes, or blinks.

PARTY GAMES

1.) Randomly burst into tears a few times every hour and have your guests try to figure out why:

“Is it sore nipples?”

“Are you remembering the constant cervix checks that occurred during labor?”

“Is it because the baby looks identical to your husband even though you were in labor for over 24 hours?”

“Are you hungry?”

The winner (way to go, Uncle Bill!) receives a free bottle of witch hazel.

2.) As soon as everyone falls asleep (this IS a sleepover, after all), wake them up every 30 minutes and make them do twelve laps around the house holding the baby. Last one to hallucinate wins!

3.) Challenge your guests to see who can keep a fake smile plastered on their face the longest as they uncomfortably listen to you and your husband have a terse “discussion” over the proper way to swaddle a baby. The winner receives an extra four minutes of sleep.

4.) Invite the anesthesiologist and his struggling intern who gave you your epidural (ah, you can still hear the encouraging sounds of “Almost got it….almost…ah, not quite. Let’s try it again” echoing in your ears) to play a few rounds of the classic party game, “Pin the Epidural on the Spinal Cord.”

Bonus Game:

For extra fun, be sure to invite your OB, and have her weigh you in front of everyone, just for old times’ sake.

via GIPHY

REFRESHMENTS

Your guests will dine on Nature Valley granola bars, spoonfuls of peanut butter directly from the jar, lactation cookies, and endless cups of cold coffee.

SMASH CAKE

There is no cake.

Instead, a pizza will be ordered at 2:30AM because you’ve lost all sense of day and night.

You will eat eight of the twelve slices, because, hey, you can consume an extra 20,000 calories a day when you’re breastfeeding, right? When someone remarks on this, you weep.

At the end of the party (roughly 6AM the following day), thank your guests for coming along on the journey and send them home with goody bags full of nursing pads, Tylenol, and under-eye concealer.

2.) THE OFFICE

Let’s be honest: you’ve watched the series approximately 3,000 times during your maternity leave, especially the episodes where Pam and Jim had their baby (surprisingly accurate!).

So, really, it’s only fair to pay homage to the gang that helped get you through the tears, the late nights, and the endless nursing/pumping/feeding sessions, with an Office-themed birthday party for your little one.

Wouldn’t you agree?

via GIPHY

Exactly.

So grab your favorite cardigan, spread the word that there’s a business casual dress code, and get ready: your baby will be da belle of da ball as a little Michael Scott in a three piece suit!

In lieu of presents, ask for donations for the Michael Scott’s Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race for the Cure. Every little bit helps, guys.

DECORATIONS

Wanna go all out?

Hell yeah! Let your Party Planning Committee run wild. Splurge on an ice sculpture, karaoke machine, and an upright bass player to keep your party classy.

Need a more budget-friendly option?

No prob. Reign that committee in. Streamers will do fine (but not green, which we all know is whorish), and half-inflated brown and grey balloons will look stunning with your carpet.

PARTY GAMES

1.) Start the party off right with a quick four hour round of Michael’s favorite murder mystery game, Belles, Bourbon and Bullets.

2.) When your guests start to get antsy, ramp things up with a few games of Flonkerton, the Icelandic Olympic sport where competitors race with full boxes of paper strapped to their feet. (Be sure to stock up on boxes of paper beforehand to avoid a party faux pas!)

3.) Your guests will love discovering and unearthing their personal effects, which you have surreptitiously removed from their bags and entombed in jello during the murder mystery game. (Oh, you!)

4.) End on an inspiring note: the Prison Mike impersonator you hired will delights guests of all ages (except perhaps your one year old, who may be extremely frightened) with his motivational speech on how to survive hard times.

via GIPHY

REFRESHMENTS

-For beverages, coffee served in mugs, and for those who want to PARTY (I see you there, ladies, holllaaaaa!), Michael’s “One of Everything” drink: equal parts Scotch, Absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, Triple sec, and two packs of Splenda.

-A light appetizer of Dwight’s beet salad, Creed’s old-man-smelling mung beans, and Stanley’s soft pretzels.

-An entrée consisting of a gigantic vat of Kevin’s chili, which will inevitably end up spilled on the floor (it’s fine; just call it “sensory play” for the babies), and pizza ordered from the good place in town. (Be sure you do NOT order from the cheaper pizza place, which is basically just a hot circle of garbage).

SMASH CAKE

No smash cake.

Instead, guests will enjoy a nice peach cobbler a’la Creed and Andy’s Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake.

via GIPHY

3.) ABSURDIST BIRTHDAY

Let’s take this time to reflect on a few moments from the past year:

-You, attempting to use a strange device to suck the snot from your baby’s nose, at 3:17AM on a Tuesday morning

-You, noticing concerned looks from strangers and realizing that you have been singing “Down by the Bay” by Raffi at a very loud volume while wandering the aisles of the grocery store in a daze, trying to remember if you need more wipes.

-You and your partner at 7:32AM on a Friday, taking turns spoon-feeding and talking to your child’s favorite toy in order to keep the peace at breakfast. (Hey, you do what you gotta do to get your morning coffee in, right?)

Has it not been one of the craziest years of your life?

Would you not agree that it’s been, at many, many moments, truly absurd?

So let’s take all of those wild, insane moments and throw the best damn absurdist birthday party that a one year old’s ever had! *wild cheering which promptly wakes baby because it is 1:15AM*

DECORATIONS

-Specify a casual dress code on the invitations, but surprise your guests by donning an elaborate, homemade Big Bird costume. Make no mention of this costume at any point during the party.

-Purchase 500 rubber duckies. Then put them in a bin in your closet and leave them there for the next six years.

-Place a large chocolate fountain in the middle of the living room, and eat from it often. At no point will you invite your guests to partake in it.

-Create a party soundtrack that consists of the song “Skinnamarink” by Sharon, Lois & Bram on repeat. When someone calls attention to it, immediately turn off the music and have the rest of the party in silence.

PARTY GAMES

1.) Assemble the guests into the living room to watch a slideshow of your baby’s first year. Unbeknownst to all, you will have made the slideshow 14 hours long and have included the entire film of JFK in the middle.

2.) Play all of your baby’s favorite songs backwards and have your guests analyze them for secret messages. (Taking the time to insert a hidden message into one of them adds a sweet, personalized touch to this activity. And who knows, if all goes to plan, you may just end up with several PIN numbers!)

via GIPHY

3.) Spread several large blankets on the floor and invite your guests to join you in mandatory Tummy Time. Dangle colorful toys overhead to keep them motivated.

4.) Chart your guests’ developmental milestones of the past year:

“Suzanne, this year you added an extra $5,000 to your credit card debt and seriously considered buying a condo, but instead decided to travel Europe and write a blog about it called ‘Suzanne’s Suitcase.’ You’re a bit delayed, but we’re not too worried and will reassess next year at 33.”

“Matt, you grew a very long beard and decided to quit your job and go back to school for Video Game Development and Design. You’re right on track for 35.”

REFRESHMENTS

Serve your guests a menu devised entirely of the foods you craved while pregnant:

(Sample Menu)

Beverages:

Lemonade, Sprite, and ice cold milk

Hors d’oeuvres:

A delightful assortment of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups served on top of a bed of Lay’s Classic Potato Chips, paired with a potato trifle consisting of McDonald’s fries (but only the soggy ones), layered with McCain’s Smiles and mashed potatoes, and topped with a raw potato garnish.

Entrée:

Extremely Large Burrito followed by another Extremely Large Burrito

Dessert:

Each guest will receive a personal tub of Chocolate Ripple ice cream and a sterling silver spoon.

Second Dessert:

Whipped cream will be squirted directly into your guests’ mouths.

via GIPHY

SMASH CAKE

There is a smash cake, but you will take it into your bedroom and smash and eat it yourself.

After an hour, you shall emerge and immediately press “Play” on the 14 hour slideshow again.

4.) BABY OLYMPICS

We all have those fellow parent acquaintances (SHARON) who turn every conversation about babies into a competition.

Your baby slept for six hours straight last night?

Sharon’s slept for 14.

Your baby just started crawling?

Oh, that’s sweet. Sharon’s is walking.

Now yours is walking, too?

Cool, but Sharon’s baby just learned the dance to Thriller.

Your baby is handling the introduction to solid foods like a pro?

That’s great, but Sharon’s has already developed a taste for Beef Bourguignon.

It’s just…ugh.

via GIPHY

Not cool.

We all know that babies develop at their own pace, and it is absolutely NOT a competition….except at this party, because it ABSOLUTELY IS.

It’s time to prove that your baby is the BEST baby, once and for all.

WELCOME TO THE BABY OLYMPICS!

via GIPHY

DECORATIONS

There’s no time for decorations; it’s the OLYMPICS!

(Or maybe some flags would be nice?)

PARTY GAMES  ATHLETIC EVENTS

All babies shall compete in the following events:

-STRENGTH: Who can destroy a box of Kleenex the fastest?

-ENDURANCE: Who can persist in playing with the dog’s water bowl until every single drop of water has spilled all over the ground?

-SPEED: Who can find Mom’s cell phone and dial five random numbers the fastest?

-LOYALTY: Will your baby chose you or a bright, shiny, new toy?

-DENSITY: Who has the heaviest diaper at the end of the party? (Be sure to remember the scale!)

-HAIR: Who has the most hair?

-SPECIAL SKILLS: Who can fall asleep the drowsiest but also the most awake?

REFRESHMENTS

Gatorade.

SMASH CAKE

You’ll want to conserve your baby’s energy for the competition, so instead of a smash cake, he or she will love a delicious smoothie consisting of spinach, blueberries, oats and avocado.

(You, on the other hand, can totally get into a cake.)

5.) ANCIENT ROME

Okay, okay. I know what you’re thinking.

Ancient Rome? REALLY? 

Ma Hag, I currently have 17 loads of laundry to do and have worn pajama pants out in public twice this week. How can I possibly throw an Ancient Rome-themed party for my baby’s first birthday?

I know, I know. You’ve got enough on your plate right now without having to stress about the lack of marble sculptures in your house, or figuring out how to navigate the complex societal structure for your invitations (is Kyle from work a patrician or plebeian?!?), or having to learn Latin.

But hear me out: Ancient Roman banquets took place with the guests lying down on couches while they ate, drank wine, and listened to entertainment, all while draped in togas.

Eating and drinking wine lying down while draped in togas.

I mean. That’s the dream, isn’t it? To basically take a three hour nap while wearing a bed sheet instead of those jeans that you thought would fit by now, but totally don’t? And how cute would your baby be as a little Maximinus Thrax?!

DECORATIONS

Let’s keep it simple:

-Potted ferns.

-Elegant drapery.

-A well-placed fresco or two.

-A handmade mosaic featuring Alexander the Great covering your living room floor.

-A plethora of tunics and togas that you will provide to your guests, all based on their social status, of course.  (NICE TRY WITH THE LINEN STEVE, WE ALL KNOW YOU BELONG IN BURLAP)

REFRESHMENTS

-Wine. Wine. More wine.

-Olives, pears, figs, and honey.

-Wine. Wine. More wine.

via GIPHY

PARTY GAMES 

1.) The kids will love sculpting their very own Roman emperor busts made out of Play-Doh. (Nero is always a favorite, but don’t forget about Antoninus Pius and Septemius Severus!)

2.) Your guests will ooh and aah in wonder at the gladiatorial combat display you put on while attempting to wrestle your mobile one year old into a diaper, baby jeans and a shirt with buttons.

3.) Challenge your guests to see who can write the best piece of epic poetry! (A suggested time limit of six hours is best for this activity.)

4.) Impress the crowd with your oratorial skills as you read your child’s favorite board book aloud 16 times in a row, never once showing your fatigue and fear as your child demands, “More. More. More.”

SMASH CAKE

A fruit tart will stand in for the smash cake; however, you and all of your guests will have fallen asleep long before it’s time for cake.

Upon waking up six hours later, you’ll discover that the dog has eaten it, and a few of the Play-Doh busts as well.

via GIPHY

And there you have it, friends: 5 Unique Party Themes for Your Baby’s First Birthday.

And remember: no matter what theme you choose, the most important thing is eating cake spending a wonderful day with your baby and family.

Which party theme will YOU be choosing? Let me know in the comments below!